SLOW DEMISE

The struggle has become one of edges. One day the joints seem to work, the next day I can't stand without pain.  Small tasks of living it through become the  measure of life, a form of "hurry up, catch up"with little focus on larger challenges and zero major work on archives and future order. I just barely get through the days making sure to adequately deal with a challenged body and willing aides.

 I remember a poem my Grandfather loved called "The Wonderful One-Horse Shay" about a carriage that served for decades until one day it just completely fell apart - all at once. 

 I now live with the sense that a kind of invisible failing is visiting me - no way to pin-point just where or why, but things become increasingly difficult to accomplish, less seems to get done and familiar symptoms are on the increase. I have executed a drastic edit on expectations, pretty much taking what comes and grateful for small pleasures.

 The last thing I seem capable of doing is reaching out to medical people with questions, the answer to which may require visits and testing. At this stage, more confusing information is not useful, and avoiding the hospital at all costs is one primary goal. Medications for heart and Tylenol for pain seem to be at a maximum. Aside from sleep, heat, movement and ice there is little else I am willing to take on.

It has been suggested I get an Apple Watch to keep up with the heart and oxygen levels. 

Looking into it.

Moonrise over Ocean Grove NJ circa 2010 - jrl