THIS INVALID LIFESTYLE

in val id  or  in val id - the meaning of the word is "not strong."

Either way it's something to be dealt with, tolerated, gotten through, accepted or resisted. 

Perhaps we all live an invalid lifestyle in the sense that we seem never to be satisfied, never content with what is, always needing more, better, less. Outside forces beyond our control are bonkers. External validation never seems enough, internal validation is in short supply, the challenges pile up and the moments occur only to be railed against.

We feel to be in the constant throes of difficulty, pain, vexation - and there seems to be little we are able to do to ameliorate the situation. Small pleasures of habit can be applied, but a dread pall sits on our chest as deeper considerations elude us.

My never repaired broken ankle has further deteriorated, so I find myself once again rolling around the apartment on converted office chairs unable to put any weight on it. I haven't been out of the house in months, since my last December doctor's appointment, and the dark, short days of winter permeate the walls leaving me quite absent of hope.

And all this as the clown show in Washington dominates the news, affecting our lives in a downward spiral that often feels inevitable and quite the horror show.

Where to go for lost strength? Sometimes the Stoics provide ways, and friends weigh in with the possible. Movies take me away for a time, especially when the actors are brilliant. I can watch for hours and forget the strain - until the next day when it all tumbles in on me once again.

So Happy 83rd Birthday to me sliding kicking and screaming into the abyss.

As we age, simply maintaining all our various body systems becomes a full time job. 

For the past year I have been exhibiting this frighteningly loud cough, sounding like its origin is deep within the lungs. I wake up coughing, so much so that I often leak a bit before I make it to the toilet. I also have loud, intense sneezing fits once or twice a day. These are periodic symptoms, coming infrequently in spells. Most of each day they only happen once or twice and they don't seem to increase in frequency or cause pain. 

So far, doctors are stumped and symptoms persist.

This is occurring in a body that (due to the 2011 run-in with the taxi) has serious orthopedic disabilities making walking and most other activity challenging. Also I maintain a constant state of monitoring and medicating for a thirty-year-old artificial heart valve and an aortic aneurysm, including anti-coagulants which cause internal life-threatening bleeds. Time is slowly wearing away my organs and joints and I respond by sequestering inside and doing the bare minimum. All shopping, cooking, cleaning, and processing needs for living day to day, I leave to the helpers who come 5 days a week to bail me out.

This loss of autonomy, and weakness of function places me outside the rest of the world, like living in a snow globe, watching the raging storm that surrounds us.

In light of all this I seem to be caught in a life of repetition. I am taken down by accident or illness, then find ways to live that help me cope with an aging, health challenged body. After a time I experience a diminishing loss of the incentive to continue practicing those ways. Certain things lead to this demise - depression, isolation, increased dysfunction, hospitalizations from accidental falls and general loss of strength to keep up with the demands of the moment. And then, miraculously, something shifts - winter lifts, holidays end, lighter days return, and clarity and discipline are once again available and necessary. 

This life is cyclical and each season brings new challenges, requiring an alternating increase in hope and resolve.

My Five Seasons:

HOLIDAZE – NOV 15-JAN 15

        indulgence and reward

WINTRING – JAN 15-APR 15

         hunkering in

SPRIMMER – APR 15-JULY 15

         venturing out

SUMALL – JULY 15-SEPT 15

         expanding the range

 FALLWIN – SEPT 15-NOV 15

         taking care of business