TMI PUPPETEER

When Barney Frank, the very excellent Congressman from Massachusetts, an openly gay politician (1981-2013) was asked, close to his recent death, what it felt like to be an icon, he said it was better than being an emoji. 

This Brief Comment offers a snapshot of my day to day, how I function, in what feels like end days, as our friends and icons are dying, and corrupt leaders are breaking the world. 

 Instead of an emoji I have become a sort of Gollum or Smeagol, hiding away with my yearning for "precious"- going batty by the moment, as I descend into a kind of delusion of inevitability.

 The past two years I have embraced virtual home-bound status, able only to get out to essential Dr. appointments. Descending ever so slowly down my 18 stairs, into and out of a Lyft car to and from, and then the one-step at a time and long rest in between, even slower process to get back up those stairs.

Suffice it to say I don't do that very often.

There is no longer a need to be outside, even though I miss nature. This is what sense/memory is for. I remember from 80 years of experience what a lovely summer day feels like on my face, so do not need to go through what it would take to duplicate it. The effort is no longer worth the reward. 

Blending with crowds or groups is also not an option, as I am more frail and vulnerable than I present at home. The last thing I need is further stress, asking the body to adjust to what will be felt as extreme discomfort, and risking the dreaded fall. For most old people the fall comes before the end, pride be damned.

For the rest I am snug in my detailed, customized survival unit and grateful for the help that comes and goes. There is no longer a hope for further recovery, as past surgeries and injuries and subsequent ravages have brought function to a bare minimum. I told my cardiologist last week it was like my heart and my kidneys were sitting at a poker table betting on who would kill me first. Blessedly in little pain, I manage moment to moment to "just live" as my grandfather used to say at 96.

 Organization has always been my super power, but I have now had to learn how to also be a Puppeteer in order get needs met - relying on deliveries, keeping up with a master list of everything others need to do to maintain my upkeep, and planning for the essential outside care coming from physical therapists, aides, housekeepers, assistants, friends. 

 I sleep in long tee shirts - short-sleeve for summer and long-sleeve for winter, so upon rising all I have to do is put on pants, socks and shoes and a vest with a pocket for my phone, to launch into another day. I have stopped wearing underwear completely.

 Putting on shoes and socks is often the most difficult task I have to accomplish. Since my left ankle was never repaired, I rely on high-topped PF Flyers to bring the bracing that enables infrequent standing and walking. Lacing them up is a challenge. I tried slip-ons, but they do not provide enough support. 

 If something occurs to me to write, I capture it as it flows out, and eventually perform a minimum edit for typos and clarity before I send it off.

 All Brief Comments On Now are improvised on the spot and written directly at the moment, my way to facsimilate sharing my life in order to not feel so alone. 

Your responses help to validate what often seems like my final creative project, writing about aging in place.